“I was always worried, always anxious,” is how Launceston’s Wendy Flaherty describes the years she and her siblings spent caring for their now 93-year-old Dad.
Joe Cassidy has a mild form of dementia, and lived on his own at home after the death of his wife, Doreen in 2017. And Wendy and her brothers and sisters all fell into the caregiver role.
The family knew that Joe was tough. The butcher came out to Australia as a “Ten pound Pom” in the 1950s, and over the years even owned his own milk bar. He had a massive heart attack at the age of 61, the doctors gave him ten years – and he’s already tripled that!
His family are tough too – but even tough people need a bit of help. “We were all exhausted, juggling caring for him, our own families and working,” Wendy says. “But the worst was the worrying. The anxiety was always there: what if he falls? What if something happens overnight and no one knows?”
Wendy explains: “We all shared bringing round evening meals for him – he could make his own breakfasts and lunches, but refused point blank to eat meals prepared by anyone else.”
Except for Kings Meadow’s fish and chips, that is.
Over the years Joe had visited his wife, Doreen, who moved into Uniting AgeWell Kings Meadows Community Aldersgate in 2014 to get more specialised care with her Parkinson’s and dementia diseases. He fell into the delightful habit of eating the fish and chip lunch there on Fridays, which he just loved. And he still turned up for lunch most Fridays long after her death.
Wendy says things came to a head when three siblings unknowingly booked holidays at the same time during mid-2019. “We asked Dad whether he would like to go in to Kings Meadows for a bit of respite, and he enjoyed it so much he never left,” Wendy says. “I love spending time with Dad, we all do! Especially now that we’re not responsible for his safety, or worrying about whether he is eating or taking his meds.”
Wendy says while she’s no longer exhausted and her Dad is happy, she still feels a mixture of guilt and relief that he is in care. But mostly relief. And if she could give anyone a piece of her mind – it’s to get peace of mind!
To help those in similar situations to Wendy, Uniting AgeWell is launching its newly-developed ‘Sharing the Care – A support kit for families and carers new to residential care’ during Carers Week.
The kit is designed to help families and carers cope with the transition of a loved one into residential aged care. It looks at the range of emotions a carer may go through - , from grief to rage, from relief to guilt or feelings of emptiness and everything else in between - and how to deal with them. And it offers a raft of helpful advice, from dealing with paperwork, to information about dementia and advice on self-care – validating the carer’s feelings with help on how to get their life back on track.
It was developed by Uniting AgeWell’s Tasmanian-based social worker Heidi Morton in response to the amount of carer stress she saw when a person transitions into aged care. She worked with health professionals, family carers, staff and residents in compiling the kit.
“We aim to reassure carers what they are going through is quite normal,” Heidi says. “And that both the carer and the loved one need to be okay for you both to be okay.”
Heidi stresses that a carer doesn’t stop being a carer when the person they care for enters residential care. “It’s a different kind of caring. It goes from functional to being able to spend more quality time with the person. Having the time and energy to have fun and joy with the loved one is very important! And it works both ways, with the resident able to enjoy this special time too.”
For details on permanent or respite care at Uniting AgeWell Kings Meadows or Aldersgate Village in Newnham call 1300 783 435.
Learn more about Sharing the Care - A support kit for families and carers new to residential care